


Fine Dinings and Finer Asses

by robin_X3



Series: Is It Wrong to Try to Pick Up Shizu-chan by Getting Him Fired? [2]
Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Bad Flirting, Bad Pick-Up Lines, Crack, Fluff and Crack, Humor, It started with a meme, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-28
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:20:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27240346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robin_X3/pseuds/robin_X3
Summary: "Did I ever tell you how sexy you sound when you're mispronouncing French, Shizu chan?"In which Shizuo gets hired as a waiter in a fine French restaurant. Izaya shamelessly checks him out and calls him a baguette.[This fic is a part of a series of (un)related one-shots in which Shizuo gets a new job and Izaya manages to get him fired.]
Relationships: Heiwajima Shizuo/Orihara Izaya
Series: Is It Wrong to Try to Pick Up Shizu-chan by Getting Him Fired? [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1988926
Comments: 6
Kudos: 38





	Fine Dinings and Finer Asses

**Author's Note:**

> Check the end author's notes for translations! Enjoy~!

“Izaya.”

“Red. Nope. I’m not trying to make a statement.” Izaya tossed the dress shirt aside.

“Izaya!”

“Green. Gross. Makes me look whorish.”

“IZAYA!”

“Yes Namie san?” Izaya asked, voice dripping sugar.

Namie belched a little in her mouth, and swallowed it. It wasn’t wise to show your enemies your weaknesses. “Shizuo is insane and has anger issues. If you date him, he’ll probably try to choke you in your sleep.”

“First of all, don’t promise me a good time.” Izaya ticked off on one finger.

Namie slammed her forehead on the wall beside her. It was no use talking to Izaya when he was like this- lost in his _Shizu-rant_.

“Second of all,” Izaya went on, unaware of Namie’s dismay, “I’m insulted you’d think I’m trying to **_date_ ** Shizu chan! Barf!"

Namie blinked. 

Then blinked again.

Then she fanned her hands out and asked, “So what’s all this?”

The floor of Izaya’s bedroom couldn’t be seen due to all the clothes littering it. All of the contents of his closets and almirahs and cupboards had been emptied onto the floor, in his struggle to find the “perfect” outfit for the day. 

“This is nothing.” Izaya smiled, all teeth. It wasn’t very convincing, seeing as how he was shamelessly standing in front of her in nothing but his underwear. 

Namie sighed, strutted (waded) through the sea of judged-and-deemed-unsuitable clothes, sorted through a particularly precarious looming pile, and brought out a brand new set the same outfit Izaya always wore.

“Namie! You’re a genius!” Izaya gasped, his eyes glittering, and he lunged forward into a hug. 

Namie sidestepped just in time for Izaya to crash land on the pile she was standing in front of. 

“Use protection,” she warned, before leaving the room.

“Eww!!!” She heard him whine, as she closed the door behind him. Izaya as he was, was already annoying. But an Izaya with a crush and in denial was even more so. And Namie wasn’t getting paid enough to deal with this shit.

* * *

“Shizuo swan,” the manager approached him, wringing his hands. Shizuo stopped struggling with his hair and turned around to pay attention to the older man. His Japanese was difficult to understand with the underlying heavy, French accent.

“I hate to spring you in summer,” he started, and Shizuo immediately knew he wouldn’t like it. But he couldn’t refuse. It was, after all, his first official day at work after the training period. He couldn’t screw this up like last time.

“I won’t screw this up.”

“Yes yes, this man has un peu screws loose!” His manager replied, the sentiment lost in translation. “He books entire restaurant. For himself. Cet homme fou!”

“..okay.”

“He is… how you say? Un riche salaud. Ask (for) you! Take care of him.”

“Okay. I’ll ask him if he likes salads. Got it.”

Shizuo took a deep breath, and walked on over to the entrance, standing in attention along with the rest of the waiters and waitresses, ready to greet their VIP guest for the day. 

Said guest arrived in a limousine, and although Shizuo had seen Kasuka ride limousines before, it had only been on TVs, and he hadn't actually experienced the magnificence of such a vehicle. But now that he saw it up close, he could truly appreciate the grandeur of limousines. 

He wondered, childlike amusement coloring his thoughts, if he asked nicely, would the VIP allow him to touch the limo, just once?

The chauffeur hopped out of the car, hastily running up to the passenger seat and opening the door wide, bowing his head for the guest.

Shizuo's colleagues bowed their heads too, and he followed suit in a hurry. What kind of person would warrant such a show of respect? Were they some kind of business tycoon? Or foreign president of some sort? Or worse- the yakuza? Shizuo squinted at his shoes in confusion, conflicted about how he should address such a guest- Danna sama- if they're yakuza? Or monsieur/ mademoiselle like his boss had taught him to? He still struggled with the L/R sound. He rolled his tongue experimentally in preparation for pronouncing his greetings…

"Ara ara! Shizu chan bowing his pretty blonde head for me?" 

"Monsieur- piece of shit!" 

"Did I ever tell you how sexy you sound when you're mispronouncing French, Shizu chan?"

"I didn't even say anything!"

"Hm. Must've been hearing things then. I haven't slept in over 52 hours. Come. Escort me into your fine establishment. Or do they pay you to just stand there and look pretty?"

Shizuo grunted in pain as the smaller man intentionally stepped on his toes, and Izaya took advantage of the momentary distraction to tuck his arm into the crook of Shizuo's elbow, guiding him through the hallway instead of being guided.

"You think I look pretty?" Shizuo asked at long last, and Izaya paused halfway through taking his seat. 

"Yeah!?" Izaya replied matter-of-factly. "Pretty **appalling**!"

Shizuo sighed. "Thought so. You're still the same Izaya." He handed Izaya the menu, switching to professional waiter mode. 

_No! You were supposed to get angry, Shizu chan!_

  
  


Izaya changed tactics.

“Is this McDonalds’?” He visibly raked his eyes up and down Shizuo’s frame, leering. “‘Cos I’m lovin’ it.”

“No, it’s _Le Bonne Restaurant de Tonio_.”

“Is this a bakery? ‘Cause you got some nice buns over there.”

“No we’re a restaurant. And these are complementary. Seriously, how did you book us without even looking at the name?”

“I had my secretary do it.”

“Of course you did, spoilt brat.” Shizuo replied under his breath.

Izaya chose to ignore that jab, and asked "So you know what's on the menu, mon non-petite baguette?" wagging his eyebrows.

"As you can see, we specialise in French cuisine, and also some fusion food that is a combination of Japanese and French…."

"Menu." Izaya said weakly. "Me. N. U? Way to ruin the pick-up line."

"Um. I apologise for any inconvenience. If you like, we have a formal complaint box where you can leave your valuable input. We make sure to listen to…"

"Fine fine. Just stop parroting the introduction speech. Get me whatever is the chef's special." Izaya waved him off, busy strategizing his next course of action. 

"As you see fit." Shizuo tipped his head towards him, and turned around and walked off, uncharacteristically graceful. 

Izaya's strategy immediately fell apart however, when Shizuo bent down to pick up the very flowers Izaya had accidentally (intentionally) dropped on the floor, thus giving him a very delectable view of Shizuo's butt. The slim-fit cut of the pants accentuated the shape of Shizuo’s thighs, and the material hugged Shizuo’s form _just_ right. It made Izaya want to rip it all off, tear it to shreds with his pocket knife.

Izaya whistled.

Shizuo turned around, and caught Izaya staring at him shamelessly. 

"I like your pants." Izaya grinned, sly.

"Thanks, they were 50% off," Shizuo bragged.

"I'd like them 100% off." Izaya retorted, bedroom eyes beckoning him. 

"Businesses can't run like that. Izaya. Not everyone is as loaded as you." Shizuo reminded him. "More importantly," Shizuo stepped closer to Izaya, so close that their knees were touching, and Izaya's breath hitched as Shizuo's natural, musky scent invaded his senses. "Is the candle light making your eyes twitch like that? I can blow them out for you."

Another waiter chose that moment to bring in the first course of their meal- some sort of mushroom based white soup the name of which Shizuo couldn't remember for the life of him.

"How about you blow me instead?" Izaya's grin was sharp, taunting.

"If you say so," Shizuo shrugged, and sat on the chair opposite to Izaya's. 

Shocked and pleasantly surprised, Izaya's mouth fell open. 

Shizuo took the opportunity to take a spoonful of the soup from Izaya's bowl, and spoon-fed him the soup. 

It was scorching hot- Izaya’s tongue burned on contact and he spat it out. "What the hell Shizu chan?"

"Sorry, I forgot to blow (on it) for you." Shizuo handed him a towel. “You have something… on your…” He pointed to Izaya’s chin.

Pissed, Izaya thumped his hand on the table, jostling its contents and causing the bowl to jump up, and some of the soup splashed onto Shizuo’s face. The thick, white, goopy substance dripping down Shizuo’s glasses made Izaya cackle, “Cum shot!” 

“Don’t insult food like that!” Shizuo scolded, wiping his glasses.

Like a cat about to push objects off the table, Izaya lifted up the bowl, and poured all of the soup on the floor.

3...2...1. Shizuo finally snapped, lifting their table high up over their head, and lugged it towards Izaya, screaming bloody murder.

  
  


Needless to say, Shizuo lost his new job that very day.

**Author's Note:**

> **  
>  Some of the translations:   
>  **
> 
> **Un peu= a few**
> 
> **Cet homme fou= He’s a crazy man.**
> 
> **Un riche salaud= A rich bastard**
> 
> Hope you guys had at least as much fun reading it as I had writing this xD Who wants to guess where they're gonna be next?  
> Edit: I just realized this- Shizuo forgot to ask if Izaya wanted a salad XD


End file.
